Saturday, August 27, 2005
Season of Life
Season of Life
© 2004 by Jeffrey Marx
There is a destiny that makes us brothers. None goes his way alone. All that we sent into the lives of others comes back into our own.
Our understanding is that sports, football is nothing more than a context to help connect with boys and teach them a clear and compelling definition of what it means to be a man. Second, to give them a code of conduct for manhood, third to help them figure out what their own unique transcended cause should or could be in this world.
Joe discussed the three components of what he termed false masculinity: athletic abilities, sexual conquest and economic success. Masculinity first and foremost is to be defined in terms of relationships. It could also be taught in terms of the capacity to love and to be loved.
If you look over your life at the end of it, the only thing that’s going to matter is the relationships that you had. What kind of father were you, what kind of husband were you, what kind of coach or teammate were you, what kind of son were you, what kind of brother were you, what kind of friend were you. Success comes in terms of relationships. The second criteria is that all the thoughts have some kind of cause, some kind of purpose in our lives that’s bigger than our own individual hopes, dreams, wants and desires. At the end of our life we are to be able to look back over it from our deathbed and know that somehow the world was a better place because we lived, we loved, we were other centered other focused.
Just look about several elements: accepting responsibilities, leading courageously and acting just on behalf of others. Joe told me that whenever he starts opening up about his father during the speech or worship, or sermon, that is when he always sees the eye start welling up and feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room. Let us be mindful to never shame a boy but to correct him in an uplifting and loving way.
The relationships you make here you will always have them for the rest of your life. Cherish this boys cherish this. I expect greatness out of you and the way we measure greatness is the impact you make on other people’s lives. They would make an impact by being inclusive rather than exclusive. Not feeling for someone but with someone. If you can put yourself in another man’s shoes that’s the great gift to have for a lifetime.
What can I do for you? How can I help you today? God gives each person X amount of talents. The question isn’t really how many talents you have been given; the real question is what you do with the ones you have.
Most of the fathers don’t have any grip on the definition so how could the sons possibly know what is expected of them. He hands out note cards and asks the participants to write definition of masculinity. Most men are absolutely dumbfounded by the question. They really don’t write anything at all or it ends up being the definition based on some kind of functional or material thing getting a good job or something like that. With kids it’s always spelt some kind of strength or power stuff, capacity to control.
The typical male over the age of 35 as a psychologist would say has less than one genuine friend not even one person with whom he could reveal his true self. The number one complaint I hear from most wives is my husband has no relationships with other men. The amount of pain men are in and marriages are in is absolutely incredible. Isolated and alone it ends up putting you in a situation where you are always hiding. You are always hiding truth and what you really are. You really can’t connect with anyone. Most men are not even able to connect with their wives and then if you are not in any kind of community it keeps you in a state of brokenness. After years of unhappiness together no outward fighting already controlled and well hidden in completeness. My mom and dad finally got divorced during my last year of college. Both eventually married again. Both seemed much more complete with their second spouses.
It started with Joe telling me about an exercise he does to get men talking about their fathers’. He asked them to list three words quickly that defines their dads. Joe does this to get men thinking of their fathers not only as dads but also just as ordinary men with considerable imperfection and needs of their own.
I think an awful lot of men bury their fathers without ever really knowing them. I always do a thing where I end up saying who was that masked man, kind of like lone ranger, he kind of rode in front of your room did some heroic deed and then he was gone. You know I buried my father, I did the funeral and it was three years before I had a tear.
I wouldn’t want to coach anybody in the world, anybody other than you guys, I couldn’t be proud of a group of boys than I am of you. Look at me boys, I love you and I am really proud of you, really proud. How will we act, what will we do, how will we respond, will we lose our integrity, will we lose our faith, and will we lose our humanity? Let us talk about freedom. All the biggest wars in the world are really fights about freedom. No matter what direction our conversation that relationships took, just somehow brought it back to the importance of empathy.
I think there are three kinds of dads in this world. There are dads that are totally absent, no presence whatsoever they are just gone and the percentage of them in this country is staggering. The second kind is this dad that is present but he doesn’t hear what are the more profound issues. They are the dads that invest time and money and they care about but when they die its kind of “Wow I never really knew who my dad was” and then the third kind of dad was the strategic dad. He has a clear and compelling definition of masculinity and a code of conduct for being a man. He understands the importance of whatever transcendent cause he has in his life, it’s a strategic fatherhood a clear definition. A man was created to be a son, father, husband, brother and so on. Most of us have a huge father pain somewhere deep down inside, a huge father longing, because we have never been accepted, never been in place the way we need to be. I just know when I touched the pain of my own father wound I don’t want my boys to have that.
Joe told me about a common condition known as normative male alexithymia. It means the inability to put emotions into words. By the age of two, boys are already always showing verbal signs of tuning out and suppressing their emotions. We compare and we compete but we never really connect. Seek justice, encourage the oppressed, defend the cause of bother-less, plead the case of the widow. What happens when you decide to be a man built for others? As a brother you need to make sure that you focus on what your children need. Make sure that there is no one ever treated better than the girl you marry and do the things that you know you are supposed to do. But I always remember more than anything else was the escalation of diatribe emanating from the opposite side of the field. She was a screamer from beginning to end. Write the names or initials of two men in your life through whom you felt affirmation as a boy. Write the initials of one man in your life who shames you and your masculinity. Where do you find meaning, where do you find value, where you do find purpose?
I do a lot of funerals and there is nothing sadder than doing the funeral when you have to manufacture something to say about the impact the person had in order to bring any kind of comfort to the family and friends. I find that no matter how tragic the death is if that person had really connected to other people and also had cause that touched the lives of others then it’s an easy funeral to do.
You should always begin by contemplating the end. When I die when I am lying on my deathbed what I am thinking that I have left something behind me, I had a cause. Take responsibility for the choices and decisions you make. Life is only ten percent. What happens to us, ninety percent how we respond to it?
Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743269748
© 2004 by Jeffrey Marx
There is a destiny that makes us brothers. None goes his way alone. All that we sent into the lives of others comes back into our own.
Our understanding is that sports, football is nothing more than a context to help connect with boys and teach them a clear and compelling definition of what it means to be a man. Second, to give them a code of conduct for manhood, third to help them figure out what their own unique transcended cause should or could be in this world.
Joe discussed the three components of what he termed false masculinity: athletic abilities, sexual conquest and economic success. Masculinity first and foremost is to be defined in terms of relationships. It could also be taught in terms of the capacity to love and to be loved.
If you look over your life at the end of it, the only thing that’s going to matter is the relationships that you had. What kind of father were you, what kind of husband were you, what kind of coach or teammate were you, what kind of son were you, what kind of brother were you, what kind of friend were you. Success comes in terms of relationships. The second criteria is that all the thoughts have some kind of cause, some kind of purpose in our lives that’s bigger than our own individual hopes, dreams, wants and desires. At the end of our life we are to be able to look back over it from our deathbed and know that somehow the world was a better place because we lived, we loved, we were other centered other focused.
Just look about several elements: accepting responsibilities, leading courageously and acting just on behalf of others. Joe told me that whenever he starts opening up about his father during the speech or worship, or sermon, that is when he always sees the eye start welling up and feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room. Let us be mindful to never shame a boy but to correct him in an uplifting and loving way.
The relationships you make here you will always have them for the rest of your life. Cherish this boys cherish this. I expect greatness out of you and the way we measure greatness is the impact you make on other people’s lives. They would make an impact by being inclusive rather than exclusive. Not feeling for someone but with someone. If you can put yourself in another man’s shoes that’s the great gift to have for a lifetime.
What can I do for you? How can I help you today? God gives each person X amount of talents. The question isn’t really how many talents you have been given; the real question is what you do with the ones you have.
Most of the fathers don’t have any grip on the definition so how could the sons possibly know what is expected of them. He hands out note cards and asks the participants to write definition of masculinity. Most men are absolutely dumbfounded by the question. They really don’t write anything at all or it ends up being the definition based on some kind of functional or material thing getting a good job or something like that. With kids it’s always spelt some kind of strength or power stuff, capacity to control.
The typical male over the age of 35 as a psychologist would say has less than one genuine friend not even one person with whom he could reveal his true self. The number one complaint I hear from most wives is my husband has no relationships with other men. The amount of pain men are in and marriages are in is absolutely incredible. Isolated and alone it ends up putting you in a situation where you are always hiding. You are always hiding truth and what you really are. You really can’t connect with anyone. Most men are not even able to connect with their wives and then if you are not in any kind of community it keeps you in a state of brokenness. After years of unhappiness together no outward fighting already controlled and well hidden in completeness. My mom and dad finally got divorced during my last year of college. Both eventually married again. Both seemed much more complete with their second spouses.
It started with Joe telling me about an exercise he does to get men talking about their fathers’. He asked them to list three words quickly that defines their dads. Joe does this to get men thinking of their fathers not only as dads but also just as ordinary men with considerable imperfection and needs of their own.
I think an awful lot of men bury their fathers without ever really knowing them. I always do a thing where I end up saying who was that masked man, kind of like lone ranger, he kind of rode in front of your room did some heroic deed and then he was gone. You know I buried my father, I did the funeral and it was three years before I had a tear.
I wouldn’t want to coach anybody in the world, anybody other than you guys, I couldn’t be proud of a group of boys than I am of you. Look at me boys, I love you and I am really proud of you, really proud. How will we act, what will we do, how will we respond, will we lose our integrity, will we lose our faith, and will we lose our humanity? Let us talk about freedom. All the biggest wars in the world are really fights about freedom. No matter what direction our conversation that relationships took, just somehow brought it back to the importance of empathy.
I think there are three kinds of dads in this world. There are dads that are totally absent, no presence whatsoever they are just gone and the percentage of them in this country is staggering. The second kind is this dad that is present but he doesn’t hear what are the more profound issues. They are the dads that invest time and money and they care about but when they die its kind of “Wow I never really knew who my dad was” and then the third kind of dad was the strategic dad. He has a clear and compelling definition of masculinity and a code of conduct for being a man. He understands the importance of whatever transcendent cause he has in his life, it’s a strategic fatherhood a clear definition. A man was created to be a son, father, husband, brother and so on. Most of us have a huge father pain somewhere deep down inside, a huge father longing, because we have never been accepted, never been in place the way we need to be. I just know when I touched the pain of my own father wound I don’t want my boys to have that.
Joe told me about a common condition known as normative male alexithymia. It means the inability to put emotions into words. By the age of two, boys are already always showing verbal signs of tuning out and suppressing their emotions. We compare and we compete but we never really connect. Seek justice, encourage the oppressed, defend the cause of bother-less, plead the case of the widow. What happens when you decide to be a man built for others? As a brother you need to make sure that you focus on what your children need. Make sure that there is no one ever treated better than the girl you marry and do the things that you know you are supposed to do. But I always remember more than anything else was the escalation of diatribe emanating from the opposite side of the field. She was a screamer from beginning to end. Write the names or initials of two men in your life through whom you felt affirmation as a boy. Write the initials of one man in your life who shames you and your masculinity. Where do you find meaning, where do you find value, where you do find purpose?
I do a lot of funerals and there is nothing sadder than doing the funeral when you have to manufacture something to say about the impact the person had in order to bring any kind of comfort to the family and friends. I find that no matter how tragic the death is if that person had really connected to other people and also had cause that touched the lives of others then it’s an easy funeral to do.
You should always begin by contemplating the end. When I die when I am lying on my deathbed what I am thinking that I have left something behind me, I had a cause. Take responsibility for the choices and decisions you make. Life is only ten percent. What happens to us, ninety percent how we respond to it?
Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743269748
