Saturday, August 27, 2005
Dads and Daughters
Dads and Daughters
© 2002 by Joe Kelly
Michael created the national non-profit called Dads and Daughters. Also a newsletter called New Moon Network.
Dads have the following feelings about raising girls. We want to protect our daughter. We want our daughter to be attractive but not to physically and sexually attract anyone. We are baffled by our daughter’s messy emotion. We want to connect with her so that we become as special in her life as she has been ours. We want to build her up. We want to communicate but we don’t know when or where to begin talking with her about sexuality, body image, self force, carriers, etc.
We can’t seem to hit the right note in listening so she will talk or in talking so she will listen. We are proud of what she accomplishes independently. Growing up we learned that a father’s primary role is to provide for his family. But too many of us equate the key word provide with our wallets. Younger fathers seemed to be doing more second shift work than the older dads but very few of us hold much child rearing duty as the mothers of our children do. Sometimes if we try to do more mothers resist criticizing how we handle things. The silence of our dads - how much second shift work did your father do? How much did he tell you about how to be a father and why it matters so much - ditto. If your dad looked like mine he said little to you about fatherhood. He probably showed by example that a father works to bring in money and is the final judge when it comes down to laying down the law at home.
I really think the fundamental job of being a parent is just being present. A daughter’s childhood is so fascinating that we seldom lack for motivations to be part of it. That’s true even if we live away from our daughter. If we are willing to look there are ways to be a part of her. When we read books we just totally quit. We are in our own separate world together. We don’t really pay attention to the outside for the two or three days we are together. Up until then I was worried that with the divorce I would lose that relationship. It really starts something for me in my development as a better father.
Researching for the development of growth shows that the norm for growth is to be loud, opinionated and physically confident until age 12 or so. But then a typical girl will begin to silence her voice and herself. They turn into a soft-spoken passive 13-year-old and answers of “I don’t know” to even the most basic questions. A girl feels good about herself when she is loud and bold. The best way of doing this is to actively listen to our daughters. The thing I loved most is the way I can tell them things that normal parents would get really upset about and they are subsequently laid back about it. There is a reason why I have twice as many years as I do now. Don’t interrupt her talk more than she does. She is different from me, respect the difference.
Our daughters come to talk to us because we are important to them not necessarily because they want us to fix their problem. In our conversations I could ask them what they wanted me to do. Do you want my advice or ideas or you just want me to listen. How well am I doing as my daughter’s father?
I can name her three best friends often sometimes or hardly ever 3.2.1. I know my daughter’s goals. I am physically active with my daughter. I make dinner for my family. I talk with my daughter about managing money. I spend half hour one on one with my daughter doing something we both enjoy. I talk to other’s fathers about raising kids. I talk to other fathers about raising daughters. I would restrict her activities more than I would a son. I talk to my daughter about advertising. I tell my daughter what her strengths are. I comment on daughter’s weight. I know what school projects she is working on. I protest negative immediate portrayals of girls. I participate in parenting organization. I yell at my daughter’s mother. I suggest my daughter go on a diet. I object when other suggests that she go on a diet. I converse with my daughter and she does most of the talking. I know what my daughter is concerned about today. I know how many students ever been officers at her school are girls. I have read her school’s sexual harassment policy. I hope boys learn to respect girls. I tell my daughter stories about my own youth.
In the study of children aged 8 to 10, half the girls said that they were dissatisfied with their size. One out of every four college-aged women engages in disorders eating behaviors like binging and purging. Five to ten million women and girls have active destructive eating disorders. During Post Victorian girls used their diaries for self-reflection usually writing about improving their character and increasing their charitable contribution to the community. Now girls today make their bodies into projects rather than their lives into projects. Has your self-confidence at the start of a workday ever been affected by how successfully you had applied your make up that morning?
Much more significant is our daughter’s right and ability to set their own standards and directions and not the counsel that’s imposed by others. Investing an overabundance of time and money and pursuit of the latest fashion tab only plays into the hands of marketers willing to sacrifice the girl’s confidence in order to make a buck. In addition when the trust is nurtured our daughters are more open to fatherly wisdom and experiences we have to share.
Society is always telling our daughters they are not beautiful. It is a commitment upon us to instill in our daughters the deepest sense that they are beautiful. In so doing we need to overcome our own socialization as males. Girls with poor body image reported being teased by the family members. Girls with poor self esteem tended to compare themselves with others who had some element of beauty attached to them. Up to 10% of the nation’s young women are diagnosed with anorexia bulimia or other disorders. Twenty years ago models weighed 8% less then the average women today they weigh 23% less. Three minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and shame. The average young adolescent watches three to four hours of TV per day. One out of every four commercials sends some sort of attractive message. Fathers can teach daughters the most important lessons in seemingly off hand ways. I told them things like “Do you see the person on the cover of this magazine? Do you know that very few people in this world look like this?” Conversely you can consistently point out characteristics you find appealing especially when they belie the cultural standard of female perfection. Her grandmother’s lovely last lines the distinctive notes on the teacher or the great quadriceps of the track star. My dad makes me very competitive in everything. It is really good thing since I loved sport. Don’t quit, you can’t just quit because you are tired.
Among older teens those who engaged in sports and other physical activities are least likely to drop out of school, get pregnant, etc. In the pool for a while I am carrying them around and throwing them and they are holding onto me and that won’t be for much longer either. I want that time with them. We come up with all these goofy games in the pool. It’s a real fun, silly times, it’s a chance for me to hold my kids and still play with them at the same time. The underlying message girls get is that they have to make their bodies into projects in order to win a male’s attention and affection.
Agreement entered into in which dad and daughter agreed to spend one hour per week playing scrabble for the next three months. Have your daughter grow her own family tree using pictures or images of those many members of the family as the two of you can find. If she is artistic she can draw or paint the tree. Keep the finished family tree mirror hanged, or consider framing it as a loving reminder of where the freckles grow and dimple chin come from. The school cultural was not an entirely stage fright to express herself.
I want to teach you that happiness flows from inside her mind that it has nothing to do with the outside world at all. In her book Can’t Buy My Love Dr. Kilbourne explains how sexualized appearance forced messages and fused advertising for the most innocuous products like shoes and stereo. In this and many other ads you will see only part of the girl’s or woman’s body often her legs, torso and/or breasts missing off her head almost her brain, hands tools for her balance and/or feet a method for moving herself where she wants to go. This portrayal disembodied female body parts reinforces the notion that we should view female body as pieces.
The magazines are Seventeen YM, Cosmo girl, Teen People. Girls often start reading these magazines around age 10. The idea behind Cosmo girl magazine’s articles and ads is to make readers feel insecure about themselves how they look and how they act. Creating that insecurity creates more women consumers. Last summer we turned the TV off and we will do it again this summer. But what that means is when the TV is off the parents work harder so whether it’s over a card game or during a walk we get into some pretty interesting family discussions. Another alternative for TV are quality kids’ magazines like Cricket, Cobblestone, American Girl, and New Moon. Let your daughter know what your values are and that you value her for who she is and not for her resemblance to some silly stereotypes.
When you expose your daughter to other forms of culture, theater, concerts, exhibits you help her learn that creating her own video song or dance as more fulfilling than fun than sitting at home watching MTV. When you volunteer with your daughter she learns that active participation along with her enthusiasm and energy can help make her world a better place. When you travel with your daughter she learns that soon touching and smelling the national park or big city is far more often than magazines, photographs or movie can be.
Have your daughter list 10 famous women without naming models, rock stars or movie stars. Here are some good movies: Fly Away Home, Crouching Tiger, Antonio’s Line, Joy Luck Club, Contact, The River Wild, What’s Love Got To Do With It, Dead Man Walking, The Hiding Place, Fargo, The Borrowers, Sister Act, Mermaids, Princess Caraboo, Driving in Cars with Boys. When we erupt we forget that a key lesson of childhood is learning to cope with hearts. My outbursts only undermine my girl’s ability to learn that lesson. Overprotection is inadequate to keep our daughters safe and it harms the fundamental trust between daughter and father. Do your daughter and yourself a favor and let what comes out at this hour.
Out of 300 teen girls surveyed 28% said they have been pushed into having sex against their will. In many cases girls are not talking about these devastating incidents to parents. I feel like that’s a pretty big bit of information, a gift relief that I can give her and that nobody else can. I will be able to tell her what boys at her age are thinking. That’s because I want you to be able to talk to me about them. I used to be one, I can tell you things about them you would never guess. Dad, tell me about the first time you ever kissed a girl. As long as you raised her with love and attention then the old right versus wrong shall be fine.
Until we can trust girls to safely yes to their sexuality and desire we have not fully enabled them to say no to sexual manipulation, abuse and irresponsibility. The best thing I have come up with is to treat her as I want her boyfriend or husband to treat her. Most likely if she has a good relationship with me, she will try to find the same thing in a companion, the teaching that would help her choose a loving, tender, sincere, caring and kind companion starts now. Clearly she needs her space more now so I will knock before I enter her room. If I am not shocked by excessive makeup or something like that she has to go to tattoos. I play it up in a joking kind of way.
Place honesty first, listen without criticism, say you are sorry, share a story, make a friendship bracelet, share your values, provide a more framework, talk early and often about sex and be specific, monitor and supervise, know her friends and families. Rather seeking separation, girls seek connection. Your daughter may still sometimes seek your lap or the cuddle spot besides you on the couch as a comforting and loving place. There are other times she will push you away. She might say no when you ask her for a hug or draws her face away when you are leaving for a shift. I have only found two books that focus directly on girls; taking charge of my mind and body and refuse to use the girl types of drugs and alcohol. 20% of 8th graders say they smoked once in the past month. By 12th grade 25% smoke daily. Females are three times more likely to develop lung cancer than males if they smoke the same amount. After all beer and cigarette ads never say cigarettes bring you cancer and booze can make you drunk and more likely to be raised.
I agree to provide for your safe sober transportation home if you are ever in a situation that threatens your safety and to defer discussion about that situation until a time when we can both discuss the issues in a common caring manner. The communication has to start early because the typical adolescent case first drinks at age 13. If your daughter’s future appears bright to her that significantly increases the likelihood that she will avoid harm upon herself by way of unsafe sex or drugs. Rehearse difficult situations with your daughter and give her words to say when confronted by peer pressure. Have a reliable system to leave messages for each other either by phone or on a message board at home, know where she is at all times. Know her friends and interact with them whenever you have an opportunity. Know her plans for the next day know what she is doing after school and curb the amount of time she spends without supervision, limit her time on the internet.
When she was 10 or 12 we had father daughter conversation where I told her that she could do anything she wanted to with one exception. I love doing the science projects with her encouraging her to think about doing things on the computer, I think my father has always given me a hunger for knowledge. He thought me that no matter how far you go you can always a step further in learning. He is taught me to look below the surface of people in situations and not just take a first glimpse or make a judgment. I think that helps me a lot as I have been traveling a lot around the world and meeting new people.
From age 10 on, my daughters handle their own income and expenses. Allowance, babysitting earnings, gift money wages, quarter funds it all went into the checking account. Nancy and I no longer paid for amusements or gifts for friends or family. We give them a clothing allowance by age 12 and put them in charge. Even though they were young the girls quickly adapted to the arrangement. They didn’t spend much on themselves; they preferred to wait for birthdays to get close from grandparents and other relatives, a smart strategy. Their only complaint was a weird look sales person gave when a 12-year-old pulled out her checkbook. Girls who created the book New Moon Money came up with dozens of examples like a simple budget spreadsheet. She is my connection to eternity. Ten tips for dads of daughters - listen to girls, encourage your strength and celebrate her savvy, however be strong, smart and bold respect her uniqueness, get physical active with her, get involved in my daughter’s school, get involved in my daughter’s activities, help make the world better for girls, take my daughter to work with me, support positive alternative media for growth, talk to other fathers.
Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0767908333
© 2002 by Joe Kelly
Michael created the national non-profit called Dads and Daughters. Also a newsletter called New Moon Network.
Dads have the following feelings about raising girls. We want to protect our daughter. We want our daughter to be attractive but not to physically and sexually attract anyone. We are baffled by our daughter’s messy emotion. We want to connect with her so that we become as special in her life as she has been ours. We want to build her up. We want to communicate but we don’t know when or where to begin talking with her about sexuality, body image, self force, carriers, etc.
We can’t seem to hit the right note in listening so she will talk or in talking so she will listen. We are proud of what she accomplishes independently. Growing up we learned that a father’s primary role is to provide for his family. But too many of us equate the key word provide with our wallets. Younger fathers seemed to be doing more second shift work than the older dads but very few of us hold much child rearing duty as the mothers of our children do. Sometimes if we try to do more mothers resist criticizing how we handle things. The silence of our dads - how much second shift work did your father do? How much did he tell you about how to be a father and why it matters so much - ditto. If your dad looked like mine he said little to you about fatherhood. He probably showed by example that a father works to bring in money and is the final judge when it comes down to laying down the law at home.
I really think the fundamental job of being a parent is just being present. A daughter’s childhood is so fascinating that we seldom lack for motivations to be part of it. That’s true even if we live away from our daughter. If we are willing to look there are ways to be a part of her. When we read books we just totally quit. We are in our own separate world together. We don’t really pay attention to the outside for the two or three days we are together. Up until then I was worried that with the divorce I would lose that relationship. It really starts something for me in my development as a better father.
Researching for the development of growth shows that the norm for growth is to be loud, opinionated and physically confident until age 12 or so. But then a typical girl will begin to silence her voice and herself. They turn into a soft-spoken passive 13-year-old and answers of “I don’t know” to even the most basic questions. A girl feels good about herself when she is loud and bold. The best way of doing this is to actively listen to our daughters. The thing I loved most is the way I can tell them things that normal parents would get really upset about and they are subsequently laid back about it. There is a reason why I have twice as many years as I do now. Don’t interrupt her talk more than she does. She is different from me, respect the difference.
Our daughters come to talk to us because we are important to them not necessarily because they want us to fix their problem. In our conversations I could ask them what they wanted me to do. Do you want my advice or ideas or you just want me to listen. How well am I doing as my daughter’s father?
I can name her three best friends often sometimes or hardly ever 3.2.1. I know my daughter’s goals. I am physically active with my daughter. I make dinner for my family. I talk with my daughter about managing money. I spend half hour one on one with my daughter doing something we both enjoy. I talk to other’s fathers about raising kids. I talk to other fathers about raising daughters. I would restrict her activities more than I would a son. I talk to my daughter about advertising. I tell my daughter what her strengths are. I comment on daughter’s weight. I know what school projects she is working on. I protest negative immediate portrayals of girls. I participate in parenting organization. I yell at my daughter’s mother. I suggest my daughter go on a diet. I object when other suggests that she go on a diet. I converse with my daughter and she does most of the talking. I know what my daughter is concerned about today. I know how many students ever been officers at her school are girls. I have read her school’s sexual harassment policy. I hope boys learn to respect girls. I tell my daughter stories about my own youth.
In the study of children aged 8 to 10, half the girls said that they were dissatisfied with their size. One out of every four college-aged women engages in disorders eating behaviors like binging and purging. Five to ten million women and girls have active destructive eating disorders. During Post Victorian girls used their diaries for self-reflection usually writing about improving their character and increasing their charitable contribution to the community. Now girls today make their bodies into projects rather than their lives into projects. Has your self-confidence at the start of a workday ever been affected by how successfully you had applied your make up that morning?
Much more significant is our daughter’s right and ability to set their own standards and directions and not the counsel that’s imposed by others. Investing an overabundance of time and money and pursuit of the latest fashion tab only plays into the hands of marketers willing to sacrifice the girl’s confidence in order to make a buck. In addition when the trust is nurtured our daughters are more open to fatherly wisdom and experiences we have to share.
Society is always telling our daughters they are not beautiful. It is a commitment upon us to instill in our daughters the deepest sense that they are beautiful. In so doing we need to overcome our own socialization as males. Girls with poor body image reported being teased by the family members. Girls with poor self esteem tended to compare themselves with others who had some element of beauty attached to them. Up to 10% of the nation’s young women are diagnosed with anorexia bulimia or other disorders. Twenty years ago models weighed 8% less then the average women today they weigh 23% less. Three minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and shame. The average young adolescent watches three to four hours of TV per day. One out of every four commercials sends some sort of attractive message. Fathers can teach daughters the most important lessons in seemingly off hand ways. I told them things like “Do you see the person on the cover of this magazine? Do you know that very few people in this world look like this?” Conversely you can consistently point out characteristics you find appealing especially when they belie the cultural standard of female perfection. Her grandmother’s lovely last lines the distinctive notes on the teacher or the great quadriceps of the track star. My dad makes me very competitive in everything. It is really good thing since I loved sport. Don’t quit, you can’t just quit because you are tired.
Among older teens those who engaged in sports and other physical activities are least likely to drop out of school, get pregnant, etc. In the pool for a while I am carrying them around and throwing them and they are holding onto me and that won’t be for much longer either. I want that time with them. We come up with all these goofy games in the pool. It’s a real fun, silly times, it’s a chance for me to hold my kids and still play with them at the same time. The underlying message girls get is that they have to make their bodies into projects in order to win a male’s attention and affection.
Agreement entered into in which dad and daughter agreed to spend one hour per week playing scrabble for the next three months. Have your daughter grow her own family tree using pictures or images of those many members of the family as the two of you can find. If she is artistic she can draw or paint the tree. Keep the finished family tree mirror hanged, or consider framing it as a loving reminder of where the freckles grow and dimple chin come from. The school cultural was not an entirely stage fright to express herself.
I want to teach you that happiness flows from inside her mind that it has nothing to do with the outside world at all. In her book Can’t Buy My Love Dr. Kilbourne explains how sexualized appearance forced messages and fused advertising for the most innocuous products like shoes and stereo. In this and many other ads you will see only part of the girl’s or woman’s body often her legs, torso and/or breasts missing off her head almost her brain, hands tools for her balance and/or feet a method for moving herself where she wants to go. This portrayal disembodied female body parts reinforces the notion that we should view female body as pieces.
The magazines are Seventeen YM, Cosmo girl, Teen People. Girls often start reading these magazines around age 10. The idea behind Cosmo girl magazine’s articles and ads is to make readers feel insecure about themselves how they look and how they act. Creating that insecurity creates more women consumers. Last summer we turned the TV off and we will do it again this summer. But what that means is when the TV is off the parents work harder so whether it’s over a card game or during a walk we get into some pretty interesting family discussions. Another alternative for TV are quality kids’ magazines like Cricket, Cobblestone, American Girl, and New Moon. Let your daughter know what your values are and that you value her for who she is and not for her resemblance to some silly stereotypes.
When you expose your daughter to other forms of culture, theater, concerts, exhibits you help her learn that creating her own video song or dance as more fulfilling than fun than sitting at home watching MTV. When you volunteer with your daughter she learns that active participation along with her enthusiasm and energy can help make her world a better place. When you travel with your daughter she learns that soon touching and smelling the national park or big city is far more often than magazines, photographs or movie can be.
Have your daughter list 10 famous women without naming models, rock stars or movie stars. Here are some good movies: Fly Away Home, Crouching Tiger, Antonio’s Line, Joy Luck Club, Contact, The River Wild, What’s Love Got To Do With It, Dead Man Walking, The Hiding Place, Fargo, The Borrowers, Sister Act, Mermaids, Princess Caraboo, Driving in Cars with Boys. When we erupt we forget that a key lesson of childhood is learning to cope with hearts. My outbursts only undermine my girl’s ability to learn that lesson. Overprotection is inadequate to keep our daughters safe and it harms the fundamental trust between daughter and father. Do your daughter and yourself a favor and let what comes out at this hour.
Out of 300 teen girls surveyed 28% said they have been pushed into having sex against their will. In many cases girls are not talking about these devastating incidents to parents. I feel like that’s a pretty big bit of information, a gift relief that I can give her and that nobody else can. I will be able to tell her what boys at her age are thinking. That’s because I want you to be able to talk to me about them. I used to be one, I can tell you things about them you would never guess. Dad, tell me about the first time you ever kissed a girl. As long as you raised her with love and attention then the old right versus wrong shall be fine.
Until we can trust girls to safely yes to their sexuality and desire we have not fully enabled them to say no to sexual manipulation, abuse and irresponsibility. The best thing I have come up with is to treat her as I want her boyfriend or husband to treat her. Most likely if she has a good relationship with me, she will try to find the same thing in a companion, the teaching that would help her choose a loving, tender, sincere, caring and kind companion starts now. Clearly she needs her space more now so I will knock before I enter her room. If I am not shocked by excessive makeup or something like that she has to go to tattoos. I play it up in a joking kind of way.
Place honesty first, listen without criticism, say you are sorry, share a story, make a friendship bracelet, share your values, provide a more framework, talk early and often about sex and be specific, monitor and supervise, know her friends and families. Rather seeking separation, girls seek connection. Your daughter may still sometimes seek your lap or the cuddle spot besides you on the couch as a comforting and loving place. There are other times she will push you away. She might say no when you ask her for a hug or draws her face away when you are leaving for a shift. I have only found two books that focus directly on girls; taking charge of my mind and body and refuse to use the girl types of drugs and alcohol. 20% of 8th graders say they smoked once in the past month. By 12th grade 25% smoke daily. Females are three times more likely to develop lung cancer than males if they smoke the same amount. After all beer and cigarette ads never say cigarettes bring you cancer and booze can make you drunk and more likely to be raised.
I agree to provide for your safe sober transportation home if you are ever in a situation that threatens your safety and to defer discussion about that situation until a time when we can both discuss the issues in a common caring manner. The communication has to start early because the typical adolescent case first drinks at age 13. If your daughter’s future appears bright to her that significantly increases the likelihood that she will avoid harm upon herself by way of unsafe sex or drugs. Rehearse difficult situations with your daughter and give her words to say when confronted by peer pressure. Have a reliable system to leave messages for each other either by phone or on a message board at home, know where she is at all times. Know her friends and interact with them whenever you have an opportunity. Know her plans for the next day know what she is doing after school and curb the amount of time she spends without supervision, limit her time on the internet.
When she was 10 or 12 we had father daughter conversation where I told her that she could do anything she wanted to with one exception. I love doing the science projects with her encouraging her to think about doing things on the computer, I think my father has always given me a hunger for knowledge. He thought me that no matter how far you go you can always a step further in learning. He is taught me to look below the surface of people in situations and not just take a first glimpse or make a judgment. I think that helps me a lot as I have been traveling a lot around the world and meeting new people.
From age 10 on, my daughters handle their own income and expenses. Allowance, babysitting earnings, gift money wages, quarter funds it all went into the checking account. Nancy and I no longer paid for amusements or gifts for friends or family. We give them a clothing allowance by age 12 and put them in charge. Even though they were young the girls quickly adapted to the arrangement. They didn’t spend much on themselves; they preferred to wait for birthdays to get close from grandparents and other relatives, a smart strategy. Their only complaint was a weird look sales person gave when a 12-year-old pulled out her checkbook. Girls who created the book New Moon Money came up with dozens of examples like a simple budget spreadsheet. She is my connection to eternity. Ten tips for dads of daughters - listen to girls, encourage your strength and celebrate her savvy, however be strong, smart and bold respect her uniqueness, get physical active with her, get involved in my daughter’s school, get involved in my daughter’s activities, help make the world better for girls, take my daughter to work with me, support positive alternative media for growth, talk to other fathers.
Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0767908333
